Adjoaskinner’s Weblog

I was talking with my mom the other day. She was saying how in life there’s so many good things that happen…but it seems no matter how the good outweighs the bad…there’s always that one thing… that thorn in your side that keeps you from feeling too good about life..

How true

These were the words I wrote while I was listening to her speak:

Everything’s fine

except that one thing

Life is divine

except that one thing

The rain continues

I wait for the sun

Everything’s fine

when that one thing is done

I don’t know nothin

except what I learn

in these conditions

as I wait for my turn

I take all the good things

and just cash them in

making the best

of whats wearing me thin.

My mother’s husband is dying of Huntington’s disease. His sister died of it 2 years ago, and he watched his father die of it his whole life. Its a genetic disease…almost like a generational curse….Dan never had kids because he didn’t want to pass on the disease…

Listening to my mom talk about it I can hear her faith mixed with exhaustion. As a young child she prayed for her Grandpa Ed everyday that he would get better….like a good Catholic she would repeat the rosary over and over and make promises to God that she only wished she could keep for his sake…but he still passed on. Now faced with this situation again, she looks at it in a new light. Not in a faithless way but a realistic way.

I wondered is he dying because I didn’t pray enough? “How self-centered of me to think such a thing” is what the devil on my shoulder whispers into my ear. But if men can move mountains with just an ounce of faith, is it that I’ve been negligent? My faith has been futile?

In later reflection I wrote this.

Am I still a righteous one? Are my prayers still strong?

Is it clear to everyone? To whom that I belong?

Can there be an answer for, the sickly and the frail?

Can you heal when I’m afraid, when strength & knowledge fail?

To You belongs the glory, and there’s nothing else so true

But where do I begin, when the matter ends with You?

Am I to pray to heaven, when I’m so aware of earth?

To look into the eyes of those who want to know their worth?

When circumstances do create the hungry and the ill,

I wonder why a good God would let this go on still.

Is it my fault? my lack of faith, am I crazy or sane?

I try to numb myself but these questions still remain…..

Why the suffering?

I believe its okay to ask these questions…its okay to wonder. Its okay to cry out for help in these times.

God Bless and God speed,

- Adjoa